25 Oct 2016

Gaining Weight Made Me Feel Like Half A Person | A Rant

About 6 months ago I put on 10 pounds due to some medication I had to take. I shortly cut off the meds after noticing the side effect, but unfortunately the weight still hasn't come off even half a year later. And the doctor has warned me that it could take another half year until it does. As someone who has issues with weight and appearance it's very disheartening to me. Especially as the fact that I do exercise regularly and don't eat too much isn't currently reflected by my outward-self, and I feel exposed to judgement. 

I hate how much emphasis and importance society puts on appearance, specifically weight. People are so much more than their outer-layer. Our minds contain infinities, yet most people still decide to judge people by their outward physicality. I'm still by no means overweight. Yet at least one person has made it clear to me that their view of me dropped because I went up a few pounds, and it's possible others feel the same way, but perhaps aren't brazen enough to vocalise it.

How I view myself isn't any better. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. When I walk through the streets I'm not wanting to be seen. I'm looking at slim girls and thinking that they are better than me. I essentially feel like I'm no longer as worthy as a person, just because there's no extra space in my dresses anymore. As ridiculous as these beliefs sound, society itself seems to echo them.

This inner turmoil is the outcome of - as an overweight child and teenager - being accustomed to others thinking that I warranted a different kind of treatment due to my weight. Being self-conscious about being seen in public after gaining a few pounds most likely stems from the fact that I was often made fun of/insulted in public back when I was bigger as a teen. So my reticence to feel as confident out and about when I'm not in my usual 'slim' form is understandably a learnt behaviour. One that's also being reinforced now. 

We all know the spiel, that there's nothing wrong with losing weight (in a healthy way) if it's what will make you yourself happy. But what happens when that's not an option due to medication or health issues which don't afford you that choice (something that most people who judge 'bigger' people never seem to factor in)? I guess the answer in that case would be to make peace with yourself. To realise that such superficialities such as outside appearance don't define you and shouldn't rule your life.

But it's not always so easy when it seems like the world doesn't agree.

Amani x

1 Oct 2016

Summer '16 In Pictures

The summer of 2016 was a pretty eventful one for me, and of course I documented it through pictures - so here's what it looked like!

A boat part to start the summer off!

Aand back in London for the summer holidays.

I went down to the beach for some soul-searching during a difficult period in July.

Just a summer selfie.

Home comforts.

I attended London Film & Comic Con with my mum. The highlight was seeing a LOST panel. 

A Cafe Rouge Lunch.  

Enjoying city life.

The definite highlight of the summer (and year) was taking a tip to America to meet my dad's side of the family for the first time!

My amazing hotel room in South Carolina, and some hotel selfies.

On the road. 

Pretty Richmond, Virginia (and my even prettier hostel).

Ending my trip in Wasginton D.C.!

Back in London Hampstead Heath in the summer.

Two different kinds of steps.

Back in Nottingham and uni's looking pretty in the summertime. 

Another major highlight for me was attending my best friend's wedding! 

I spent the end of the summer back in Nottingham, often cooling off by the fountain in the town square.

Amani x
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